Should, Blog

Today I woke up in subtle anguish, I have been for the past few… months? -Ever since I moved back to my parent’s condo.

I wanted to write years (since June 15th, 2018, to be exact) however this pain is not suicidal depression.

It’s a steady stream of anxiety. A civil war in my body, however, now both sides are questioning their ideals.

*sincerely ponders*


That’s a word, it means this:

Wait a second:


I tried reading the rest of the definitions, but the first one is resonating, unable to focus on the others because the answer to the anguish is here.

*ponders more*

The civil war is between a Tyrant and a quiet spirit.

The Tyrant reminisces the past success of pre- June 15th, 2018, and the discipline, mindset, habits, acceptable vices–

Now. I pause at acceptable vices because the Tyrant is looking in the mirror. Questioning the False God, that was me, realizing that I was human, that my successes came not due to these individual pieces, but due to the collection of the whole and the purity of the cause and the sincerity of how it was executed– that’s the quiet spirit speaking.

I’ll end here.

With love and sincerity,

j.r. LaVerde

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